Warning: contains mild spoilers – very mild, considering I haven’t even made it out of the vault. I’ll give you a hint: the world ends.
Back before I was a gamer (last year) I was terribly confused by the fact that Fallout: New Vegas was called Fallout: New Vegas and not Fallout 4. If it wasn’t a sequel, was it some alternate universe Fallout1, like where Spiderman doesn’t become a superhero, and he and Cass retire to become brahmin farmers?
I’m still not sure if it should be considered a true sequel or some proto-evolutionary form of DLC, but Fallout 4 is just Fallout 4, with no colons and, as it turns out, no mohawks.
I had to settle for a pompadour.
I didn’t actually think I’d have any time to play it, since it took 7 hours to download, but fortunately my cat helped me out by bazooka barfing starting at 4 AM.
But he only called me “sir” after I restarted the game, because my initial creation scene didn’t come with sound. I closed the game and checked my speakers, only to realize that I’d been listening to Ron Perlman’s opening narration. Broken tutorial … that’s how you know it’s a Bethesda game!
A restart seemed to fix the problem, and Floyd was ready to face the wasteland, or at least stare creepily at his wife.
Lydia?!? Is that you?
But then I realized – my character’s other name was “Sole Survivor,” so
probably not Lydia.
I figured I shouldn’t get too attached.
I was looking for the prenup when there was a knock at the door. “It’s that salesman again,” she said.
He was trying to sell me space in a Vault, but I wasn’t buying it:
“Do you really think there’s going to be a war?”
“It’s inevitable, I’m afraid. Because … ”
“War … war never changes.”
I eventually did buy the Family PakTM, mostly because the baby was crying and I had to go comfort him –
I have a baby? How did that happen – well, I mean, I know how it happens3 – but this all kind of … sudden … I mean, I can’t even get a decent haircut, and you want me to look after an infant? Or even …
I was comforting the maggot when Codsworth4 called us in to watch a news broadcast about “flashes of light,” which became “reports of possible – ” which became “nuclear explosions” before the screen went to “Please Stand By.” I have to admit, it triggered every 80’s-child fear I ever had about nuclear war, and I fully expect to be reliving that scene in my nightmares tonight.
Fortunately, the vault was only two blocks away, so we were able to make the cutscene in time:
Which turned out to be a pretty darned accurate feeling, as we were unsuspectingly locked into cryogenic pods and frozen for a couple hundred years, with only one break to go to the bathroom and watch another cutscene where evildoers murder my wife and steal my …
Hey?!? HEY! Where are you going with my maggot?!? BRING BACK MY MAGGOT!
before taking another ice nap.
When I finally unfroze, my first horrified thought, according to the character narration, was “why – why would Vault Tec do this?”
I will admit that seeing Nora killed did haunt my day at work; Bethesda is good at building sympathy for doomed characters.
So now – it was off to the Wasteland to avenge my wife and find my stolen maggot!
Or, you know, loot everything in sight.
Also, play Donkey Kong:
There are minigames. BEFORE YOU LEAVE THE VAULT.
So I took a minute to jump barrels, while the alarms blared at me to evacuate …
Your life has ended in the Wasteland.
which is where I left … 1 hour in, and I’m playing a video game in a video game. Somewhere out there is The Wasteland, and my kidnapped larv … er … son. But right now, I’ve got to beat the Overseer’s high score.
- So an alternate alternate universe.
- It involves storks. And super mutants.
- Seriously, who names a robot Codsworth?