Goat Simulator: Postal 2 for farmers

Hmmm … think I’m just gonna play a little Fallout 4 here.  Let’s see what’s over here …

AAH THIS GHOUL IS EATING MY FACE!

Ended

Your life has ended in the Wasteland …

Ok, maybe try that mission in Lexington instead …

SWEET MOTHER OF BOKRUG HOW MANY RAIDERS ARE THERE?!?

Ended

Your life has ended in the Wasteland …

Oh yeah?  Well surprise, ’cause daddy’s got sum power armor for u….

OH, I SEE YOU HAVE POWER ARMOR TOO

Ended

I get the idea

Maybe I’ll go in the other direction … wait, there’s a signpost up ahead:

WELCOME TO DEATHCLAW ALLEY

Ended

Your life …

F this.  I’m gonna go play Goat Simulator.

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Goat Sim, Goat Sim.

Good news: I didn’t die.

I did get stuck in an endless loop, but – and this is important – at no time did I lose hit points.  Assuming I have hit points.  I’m not very certain.  What I am certain of was that I started the game as …

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Of course it’s a jetpack.  It would be silly if it was a goat.  Goats can’t fly.

I’m not quite sure how that happened.  I was three deep into a six pack of Great Basin’s Ichthyosaurus IPA, so things were a little fuzzy.  I was playing the tutorial, trying to determine my objectives, which, as in most modern role-playing … OH HELL.  YOU’RE A GOAT.  YOU RAGE ON STUFF.

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And occasionally lick it.

There were objectives, I guess, but really, in my world, “wanton destruction” is all the objective I need.  And considering I was playing a game called Goat Simulator and ended up

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Apparently at some point my life ended in the Wastelands of … where am I, anyway?

trying to achieve anything so complicated as “trashing Goathenge” was frankly beyond my abilities.

Anyway, it was hard enough being a goat – not, I mean, being a goat, but actually managing to play a goat.

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As opposed to …

It probably had something to do with all the “mutations” I picked at the beginning of the game, but I thought it would only let you pick 1-2 optional upgrades, like most other games.  And well … if Goat Simulator isn’t going to limit me, then it’s not my fault if I have a drinking problem.

But once I actually managed to play a goat (I picked the Goatborn option, which let me speak dragon, meaning I could ROAR like Macho Man Randy Savage) I proceeded to take out a little goat angst by thrashing the everlovin’ hell out of anything that crossed my path.  I blew up a gas station, raged on some hillbillies, and eventually even found and trashed Goathenge.  I was one Seriously.  Pissed . Off.  Goat.  It was like Postal 2 for farmers.

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Or any Friday night in Modoc County.

And soon, terror stalked the streets of Genericville, USA … cloven-hoofed terror that struck without warning to the bellowed cry of OOOOH YEAHHHHHH …

Then I went to the next loading screen.

It turns out that cloven hooves, while great for the instilling of the terror, not so great for the opening of the doors.  And it was then that I learned the true meaning of Goat Simulator …

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To a goat, the world has no doors …

Another deep insight that turns out, on reflection, to actually be kind of stupid.

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