Fallout 4: Praise the Lord and Pass the Cheat Codes

I must be doing something wrong.  I’ve been playing Fallout 4 for 15 minutes tonight, and I’ve died 14 times.  At this point, I’m not actually sure there’s anything more to the game than a bright red splash and a loading screen.  I’m level 8 and still nothing more than a highly mobile piece of bright pink dog food.  Did I miss all the actual weapons?  Perhaps I am secretly shooting vitamin bullets?

Ghoul

Because the Legendary Ghoul wasn’t enough – they had to give it air support.

I might feel better if I was actually able to at least hurt the enemy before I was reduced to a tinted crimson mist, but it is rapidly becoming apparent that the “pipe” in “pipe pistol” is actually short for “suck the pain pipe” because I can unload more bullets than a redneck 4th of July and all they do is laugh at me.  “HO HO HO SHOOT MORE,” they say.  “THESE VITAMINS ARE TASTY!”

… ah, clarity dawns.  In addition to the damage/weight/reload weapon stats, there is also something called an “accuracy” stat, which means that even if I aim correctly, shoot correctly, and the animation shows geysers of blood fountaining from the place where the enemy’s head was …

… does not actually mean I have, you know, hit the enemy.

I am not sure that this is making me feel better, but I don’t have time to worry about it, because I am too busy trying to run away from the packs of feral ghouls that roam the wastes in groups larger than the Russian Army … or failing to run away, actually, because based on the fact that the back of my head was just chewed off, they also move faster than light.

2015-11-18_00005
The glow is actually Cerenkov Radiation.

Speaking of the Russian army, resources are so scarce I often tend to run out of bullets before I have run out of enemies, so even though I have a nice modded out 10mm pistol with glowing sights (I named it “Glowy McTenPiece) I don’t have any ammunition to shoot it with.

Hang on, just died.  Because a super mutant wasn’t enough – they gave him a mutant hound and a rocket launcher.  Seriously, a rocket launcher?  For a super mutant?  That’s like a tank that shoots bigger tanks.

OK, so I Googlied “Why is Fallout …” and I feel a little better now, because the first choices were:

why is Fallout so hard?
Why is Fallout trying to kill me
Why is fallout designed by Nazis
Why is fallout OMG I woke up in a bathtub with no kidneys

so maybe mine isn’t a unique experience.  At least I still have my kidneys.

From what I’ve read, they really amped up the hate threshold for this game.  “Fallout 4 is gonna be tough,” they said.  “Fallout 4 will kill you AND your little dog.  Fallout 4 will follow you home and break you windows.  Fallout 4 will make lewd comments toward your girlfriend.  Fallout 4 will …”

Easy, Bethesda.  Did Assassins’ Creed put a bee in your gamer bonnet? Some of just want to wander the wasteland listening to rockabilly.  Is that too much to ask?

But now every time I hear Atom Bomb Baby, I cringe in pain thinking of all the times I died – and that sort of grimly ironic future awareness isn’t supposed to be meta, Bethesda.

But if you wanna go meta, I can go meta too … lesse, let’s just hit the ol’ tilde key, pull up the console commands:

HELP Armor …

HEY WHERE ARE MY KIDNEYS??!?

 

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