I must be doing something wrong. I’ve been playing Fallout 4 for 15 minutes tonight, and I’ve died 14 times. At this point, I’m not actually sure there’s anything more to the game than a bright red splash and a loading screen. I’m level 8 and still nothing more than a highly mobile piece of bright pink dog food. Did I miss all the actual weapons? Perhaps I am secretly shooting vitamin bullets?
Because the Legendary Ghoul wasn’t enough – they had to give it air support.
I might feel better if I was actually able to at least hurt the enemy before I was reduced to a tinted crimson mist, but it is rapidly becoming apparent that the “pipe” in “pipe pistol” is actually short for “suck the pain pipe” because I can unload more bullets than a redneck 4th of July and all they do is laugh at me. “HO HO HO SHOOT MORE,” they say. “THESE VITAMINS ARE TASTY!”
… ah, clarity dawns. In addition to the damage/weight/reload weapon stats, there is also something called an “accuracy” stat, which means that even if I aim correctly, shoot correctly, and the animation shows geysers of blood fountaining from the place where the enemy’s head was …
… does not actually mean I have, you know, hit the enemy.
I am not sure that this is making me feel better, but I don’t have time to worry about it, because I am too busy trying to run away from the packs of feral ghouls that roam the wastes in groups larger than the Russian Army … or failing to run away, actually, because based on the fact that the back of my head was just chewed off, they also move faster than light.
Speaking of the Russian army, resources are so scarce I often tend to run out of bullets before I have run out of enemies, so even though I have a nice modded out 10mm pistol with glowing sights (I named it “Glowy McTenPiece) I don’t have any ammunition to shoot it with.
Hang on, just died. Because a super mutant wasn’t enough – they gave him a mutant hound and a rocket launcher. Seriously, a rocket launcher? For a super mutant? That’s like a tank that shoots bigger tanks.
OK, so I Googlied “Why is Fallout …” and I feel a little better now, because the first choices were:
why is Fallout so hard?
Why is Fallout trying to kill me
Why is fallout designed by Nazis
Why is fallout OMG I woke up in a bathtub with no kidneys
so maybe mine isn’t a unique experience. At least I still have my kidneys.
From what I’ve read, they really amped up the hate threshold for this game. “Fallout 4 is gonna be tough,” they said. “Fallout 4 will kill you AND your little dog. Fallout 4 will follow you home and break you windows. Fallout 4 will make lewd comments toward your girlfriend. Fallout 4 will …”
Easy, Bethesda. Did Assassins’ Creed put a bee in your gamer bonnet? Some of just want to wander the wasteland listening to rockabilly. Is that too much to ask?
But now every time I hear Atom Bomb Baby, I cringe in pain thinking of all the times I died – and that sort of grimly ironic future awareness isn’t supposed to be meta, Bethesda.
But if you wanna go meta, I can go meta too … lesse, let’s just hit the ol’ tilde key, pull up the console commands:
HELP Armor …
HEY WHERE ARE MY KIDNEYS??!?