Fallout 4: Call of Duty, Super Mutant Edition

Sigh.  Starting to think I shoulda bought “The Witcher 3” instead of Fallout 4, even though Geralt of Rivia reminds me of former president Martin Van Buren:

I think it’s the man bun.



But even playing Witcher 3: The Federalist Papers would be better than what I’m currently playing, which seems determined to be some post-apocalyptic version of Call of Duty.

Which does have its moments.


‘Cause they’ve really upped the first-person-shootiness here.  New Vegas had combat, yes, but I’m not sure Fallout 4 has anything but combat.  The Wasteland is basically a collection of buildings filled with massive numbers of overpowered enemies, interspersed with radiation-blasted landscapes filled with massive numbers of overpowered enemies, followed by random encounters with massive numbers of overpowered enemies, all of which want to shoot you, stab you, club you, bite you, sting you, poison you, loot your corpse, suck out your eyeballs and eviscerate your major internal body cavities.

It’s fun for a while, but it’s starting to get in the way of completing quests and following the story, not to mention how it puts the kibosh on wanton exploring.  You’ll find some new town, only to discover it has a “Legendary Super Mutant Killermeister” in it, and you’ll expend all your resources killing him  and be sitting there, trying to stitch your leg back on, and your HUD will helpfully inform you that his 27 other brothers are all attacking you, and 26 of them have chain-grenade launchers, and the last one has a nuclear suicide vest.  (Seriously – ‘Super Mutant Suicider’ is a thing now, and the only way to survive is to not be there.)

I mean, I get a quest to “Find the Freedom Trail,” which sounds like a simple introductory adventure, and the first thing I see when I fast travel is a hammer the size of a bus crashing down on my head (Which just proves that fast travel IS teleportation, because I’m pretty sure I would have noticed that if I were just walking in.  It’s hard to miss malevolent construction equipment attempting to perform inverse chiropracty on you.)

And it’s being wielded by what appears to be the Sears Tower – I mean, a supermutated supermutant with arms bigger than some small nations, who is, of course, named “Swan.”



It’s like calling a big guy “Tiny,” only the irony doesn’t work when he’s using a train engine to compress your spine, and all you wanted to do was go hook up with a faction.

I think there was supposed to be some back story where I find his journal and discover that inside that homicidal brute there is a sensitive poet who just likes killin’ stuff and drinking blood, but I was kind of booked up on the 400 raiders who randomly showed up with him, plus that wasn’t even what I came here for.

I finish killing all of them, and I’m down to a hangnail’s worth of health and half a Band-Aid, and I’m informed that I have to go defend Oberland Station from raiders; when I check my quest log, I find out I was at some point notified that l also have to defend Abernathy Farm from raiders.

I start with Abernathy farm, where there’s 5 supermutants attacking a farmer who looks remarkably like Brent Spiner; I stimpak on up and manage to take them out, though not before my companion gets the snot beat out of him.

Then I go to Oberland Station, where I am relieved to find there are only 3 raiders.  I take them out and am trying to maybe build some automated defenses, but can’t because of a critical lack of oil (sound familiar?) even though the doped-up Mohawk-having raiders seem to be able to build turrets EVERY.  F@CKING. WHERE. and while I’m doing that …

… I’m attacked by more raiders.

Finally I decide to just abandon that entire quest line for a while and go do something simple … maybe find that guy’s missing grandpa, who’s dead, of course, but I can still get his family heirloom, this hat that’s still on his corpse, which is down this sinkhole …

… filled with Deathclaws.

F this, I’m playing Goat Simulator.

Or when I try to help the robots on the USS Constitution repair their turbines and I’m at the end stage cutscene and instead of just, you know, completing the quest, they add on one last little scavenger raid with what appears to be the entire population of the Commonwealth, including a guy who apparently hit the Black Friday sales at the Iraqi munitions factory, because he’s shooting what seems to be an endless supply of missiles.  Highly explody stimpack wasting missiles.  At me. Seriously, another one?  Ouch, dammit, how many missiles does this guy have?  Who is he?  North Korea?

So by the time all is said and done, I just wanna scream at the robots “finish the damn quest!  I don’t care about your quest anymore!”  I just want to go back to Sanctuary and sleep this off, even though by the time I get there it will probably have been overrun by supermutants armed with nuclear weapons and nanoplague viruses.

You can mock Martin Van Buren all you want, especially for the Panic of 1837, but at least he never went aggro with unlimited explosives that weren’t available for loot.


Caveat Hannibal Lector:

In Fallout 4’s defense, I recall I once had similar feelings about Fallout NV:


Dude, if I meet another one of these f@cking “cazadores” f@cking MUTANT DEATH BRINGERS OF THE F@CKING APOCALYPSE, I am deleting Fallout and all it stands for.  Jesus Christ, they auto-hit with enough poison to bring down a bull elephant, and they are EVERYF@CKING WHERE.
Experiencing some in- and out-of-game frustration with Fallout.




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