I mentioned they were gonna up the creepy, right?
I mean, when I’m on my way to visit the Museum of Witchcraft1 in Salem, you’d think I’m already redlining the creepy, but no … first I find a place called Longneck Lukowski’s. I mean, it seemed ok … looked like a nice solid brick factory building. Perfectly normal, right?
As any horror writer will tell you, the best was to scare someone is to make everything seem normal until OMG WHAT HAPPENED WHERE ARE MY EYES?!?
I figure I’ll pop in, shoot some ghouls, have a good time. I didn’t plan on it being inhabited … by … eeeeevil …
Wait … is that … a redhead … in a Vault suit?
You know, they go to such effort to encourage you to do the “right” thing in these games, then seem surprised when you go do the wrong thing. Like Piper – I know Fallout really, really, really wants me to romance Piper, but c’mon – redhead in a Vault suit. Now we’re cooking with atomic power!
Trust me, it was all the storm. She was still cute in the daylight, and I mean, it makes sense you wouldn’t look your best in that weather – it can’t be easy, keeping your hair vibrant and healthy in that 98% seaside humidity and massive doses of radioactive lightning. I tried to chat with her, but all she was interested in was trading and getting the hell out of that radstorm.
Damn you, Bethesda!
It could have been, “hey, I’ve got a nice place in Sanctuary, why don’t we mod some weapons in my shelter why we wait for the storm to pass” but noooo … all I could do was buy a toy car and some ammo and watch her shimmy off into the distance, out of my life but never out of my heart.
I went back inside to talk to this freak:
He’d been arguing with Rylee (her name is Trader Rylee, or “honeycakes” for short) over some contaminated meat he’d sold. Of course, I knew he was a filthy, lying scumbag, because Trader Rylee wouldn’t do me wrong …
… wait, did he say molerats? Aren’t longnecks clams? Not that I have anything against molerat – I eat it all the time, what with being in the Wasteland and all – but I’m pretty sure it’s not of the FDA’s (Feral Deathclaw Army) list of approved meat product extender.
Hmm … well, maybe I misjudged him. Anybody could have a problem with molerats. Maybe I can help him out. Sure, he says, just don’t go in the basement. Right. I’m sure there’s probably something really scary down there, like, I dunno, a bigger molerat or something.
Then I went into the next room:
HOLY JESUS, WHAT IS THAT G-D D-MANED ANIMAL?!?
Okay … calm down. I know that’s just one of Bethesda’s bugs, but I still think I need to go change my underwear.
After that was a warehouse filled with Mr. Handys cheerfully cutting up … ok, lesse … that’s a radstag, that’s some molerat, no worries, that’s why we’re here … some mongrel dog … some yao guai meat … not seeing any clams … man, this is worse than working the night shift at Burger Shak …
Still, the Mr. Handys were a comforting, familiar sight, which should have made me run screaming in the other direction, ’cause in Fallout, they only smile ’cause they know you haven’t detected the sniper.
I wandered around for a bit, found some loot, wandered around some more … sure would like to see what’s in that basement he’s been warning me about … hey, what’s this button do? Huzzah, the lift to the basement! Going down!
Hey, why does it say “locked out?” Why is there a leering, maniacal voice coming over the loudspeaker? “I warned you not to go down there,” my old buddy Ted says. This is starting to sound like a bad Scooby Doo episode. I know there’s another way out of here – I read it on the wiki when I couldn’t find the lift button.
Take out a couple of radroaches … feeling a little queasy, but hey – I ate my fair share, back when I was level 1 and that was all I could kill … wonder what’s in here?
Breathing normal … AHHH THIS GHOUL IS EATING MY FACE!
Where did that come from? Hey, what’s this hole in the wall –
I dunno. Maybe it’s the red lights. I frickin’ hate the red lights. They make everything look like it’s bathed in hellfire, which I guess is the point, but every creepy-as-hell location so far has come with stone corridors lined with those red lights, like maybe they have a “Dungeon O’ Doom” starter set down at Hell’s Depot or something.
Not that it was any better without them:
What with the fog coming from the radioactive water that … oh yeah, you know it … you ain’t getting outta this place until you wade through every last puddle of it. Hope you brought some Rad X, glowy boy.
Still and all, not so bad … I wonder why he’s keeping meat in the basement if it’s filled with ghouls … hmm .. something’s not right here …
Oh. Hello there, Mr … Legendary Ghoul Scourge?!? WTF? I notice he has a little skull by his name, meaning I am about to be force-fed my own ass, since I am in an enclosed space with …
… WAIT. BULLSH^T, Bethesda. The little skull ghoul guy wasn’t enough, you had to throw in a glowy ghoul guy and a half dozen normal ghouls?! ‘Cause, what – I wasn’t gonna get killed enough?!?
I made it through on my tenth try, mostly by running past them and desperately shooting anything I saw2. It took me like an hour, but since Trader Rylee stood me up, my Saturday nights have been kind of free.
I find the staircase back up, and I get ready to go hand my pal Teddy some major beatdowns. The stairs lead up to the meat prep room, where I see:
OH. HELL. NO.
I just … I can’t even deal with this right now … I need to go play sum Fallout.
Wait, I’m playing Fallout. Crap.
The first thing I saw, when I left, was:
OH. HELL. NO.
- Turns out, the Museum didn’t have anything creepy at all – just a Legendary Death Claw Savager with a Chainsaw. Needless to say, I died.
- And healing. Naturally, since I’m stingy with Stimpacks, I’m in a sewer surrounded by ghouls and contaminated meat, chowin’ down on some Pork n’ Beans.