Fallout 4: I Left My Heart in Vault 81

Sigh.  I just don’t get Piper … I come back after a hard day of being murdered by everything the Commonwealth can throw at me, and all I want is a little down time, maybe catch a nap, and what do I find?

She’s letting Mama Murphy shack up in our shack.

“Hi honey,” I say as I’m walking through the door – well actually, there isn’t a door, because doors are fcking impossible to build in this game, but through the entrance, anyway – “I’m beat.  I sure could use a pick me up,” thinking she’ll hand me sum bubblegum or a Nuka Cola.  Instead, Mama Murphy hands me a crack pipe.

“I get this from a cook in Red Rock Canyon,” she said.  “It’ll mess you up good.  I’ve seen it in your futura.”

“I got a lady you should meet,” I say.  “Name’s Cait.  Why don’t you head over to the Red Rocket Truck Stop and get the hell out of my house.

I crash out on the bed, and when I wake up – no “Lover’s Embrace,” Piper’s nowhere to be seen, and when I check the bed –

Well, this is awkward.

“What’d I say to piss you off this time, baaaaaaabie?” I ask when I finally see her.

“These things literally saved my life once,” she said, handing me sum Fancy Lad Snack Cakes.

OK, I just … you know what?  I think I need to chill out for a while.  Go back on the road.

Sigh.  I remember when things were simple.  Just me and Nick, wandering the Wasteland, looting buildings and dispensing justice.  I remember that freak who was making potted meat out of feral ghouls … well, mostly I remember Trader Rylee …


Hey, didn’t she come from a Vault?  That might be a good vacation from the drama here in Sanctuary.

Turns out I’d passed Vault 81 half-a-dozen times; it’s almost at the beginning of the map, but I’d been dying so often at that point I didn’t dare go someplace I couldn’t run away from really quickly.

The first thing I saw – well, besides the vault door, obviously – actually, that was the first thing I saw, since it was sealed and the Overseer was saying I would have to do them a “favor” to get in.

Like, whack somebody?  Is this the mafia vault?  I thought that was Nick Valentine.

Turns out I just had to find 3 fusion cores, which was easy since I had like twenty ’cause I never use power armor because I’m afraid of running out of fusion cores.  Accounting will do that do you.

So I get in, and I’m glad I did, because otherwise I never would have met the Overseer, or, as I call her “Atom Bomb Baby”

A million times hotter than TNT.

She takes my fusion cores and gives me 100 bottlecaps –

wait, 100 caps for 3 fusion cores?  Why, if she wasn’t a redhead …

She told me they usually didn’t let strangers in, but something something something … I couldn’t hear her over the sound of my heart breaking.  I said I loved her, but she didn’t have a dialogue option for that; she just sasheyed (is that how you spell it?) back to her office and left me to sweep up the pieces of my broken heart.


“Hey, no littering.”

I wandered despondently into the Vault and tried to strike up a conversation, but everyone was busy trying to keep the place from falling apart, or so they told me.

“Excuse me, but I’m playing Candy Crush here.”

I had my suspicions, since it turned out it wasn’t just Overseer Gwen – all the Girls of Vault 81 looked like they just stepped out of Vogue, like Schoolteacher Katy:

“Would you care to tell the class a story, like how you become a drooling moron around me?”

Maybe it’s the Vault 81 jumpsuits; they are very flattering.  Even Deacon was rockin’ one –

Just a hunk o’ burning luv.


Or the fact that they have a barber.  I couldn’t get a mohawk, but I did decide to go blonde:

Maybe my new ‘do will impress her!

I went to Overseer Gwen’s office to offer my help in fixing the vault, or becoming her love slave, or whatever else she needed, but <sigh> she was asleep.  No one else seemed interested in talking to me until I saved some girl’s cat, which – given game logic – I’d seen run past me hours earlier but had been unable to touch until I got the quest.

I’d figured it for a goner, what with the deathclaws and mirelurks and lack of canned tuna, but – well, actually, given my cats, it doesn’t surprise me that what would kill anything else, including a rabid deathclaw, would run in terror from a cat.  I’m always amused when new neighbors tell me not to worry about their dog, because he “likes cats”.  Yeah, mister, not the cat I’m worried about; it’s your dog’s self-esteem when he meets Tabby.

I’m rambling.  I’ve been drinking heavily trying to keep my mind off Overseer Gwen, but even after crawling through tunnel infested with contagious plague rats –


I still can’t stop thinking about her.  After I defeated the rats and got the antidote to cure Little Timmy – I mean, Austin – she offered to let me use a room … but it wasn’t hers.  Sigh.

I wandered down to the engine room – I mean, the reactor, where I found out the engineer was on drugs.  After some conversation checks, I convinced him to kick the habit, then I took them all myself –

How is that stealing?  I’m pretty sure taking them away from an addict is a good thing.

Finally I broke down and went to see a doctor.

“Doctor, doctor,” I said, “can’t you see I’m burning, burning?”

She turned around –

Hellooooo Nurse!

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