Fallout 4: Hair Presumptive

Made it to Vault81 … then remembered that hussy Gwen makes you pony up three fusion cores to get in.  I didn’t have three fusion cores.

Well, I didn’t at first …

Console

Hey!  I tried playing fair!  Now, I just wanna get in Vault 81 and see if I can get a beehive hairdo.  And maybe see if I can get the “in” with Trader Rylee … I’m hoping with my charisma higher, I can get her to come work for me.

… and also maybe romance Curie.  I know I wanna settle down with Piper, but I never explored the “flirt” option with Curie, so I think I’m gonna play the field this game … except for Cait, of course, ’cause her accent just kills it, but …

… well, actually – Piper, Curie, Cait – that is the field.  Kind of more like a side yard, maybe even an urban garden.

Anyway, this time I managed to get in with a speech check.  I’m hoping that proves Overseer Gwen has been harboring a secret crush on me and maybe the dialogue tree will have some romance options.

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“Dream on.”

Sigh.  I see the work crews are busy as ever –

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“Union rules, buddy.”

But the heck with it.  The main reason I’m here is ’cause my post on mohawks got so many hits I’m thinking of specializing in video game fashion for the blog, and Vault 81 has a barber.

First off, the reaction time on the hair menu is ludicrously slow.  I’d be sitting there, wondering how a “Rude Ridge” (the second thing is, they need a new marketer in the hair & makeup department) was a bald head, and the screen would refresh right as I scrolled to something new –

So without further ado, mostly ’cause I’m still hung over from last night, I present to you the haircuts of Vault 81:

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Or “Sound and Mad Max: Fury Road.”  Maybe I should get a power fist and go all Charlize Theron on them.

Hey, did you hear that apparently men’s rights groups are up in arms ’cause Fury Road is supposedly a feminist power fantasy?  Lord knows, I’ve had my bad dating experiences, but I’m not sure what part of “wanton rape and murder of sex slaves” is a feminist power fantasy, unless you’ve been trolling some extremely dark corners of the Internet.

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I kept getting this confused with Ruby Ridge.  Now, if only they had a mohawk that decent for the guys … hey, maybe this whole game is a feminist power fantasy!

I apparently didn’t do a screenshot on the “Enlisted” option, because it was dollar beer night at the casino, but it was pretty much the “Fury” one with an iota of hair.  Am I using iota right there?  It sounds poetical, so I’m keeping it.  Anyway, probably ’cause once you enlist you let the hair grow back?  I dunno … Nate’s the war hero.  Apparently.  And he’s frozen.

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Why maidens shave the sides of their heads, no one knows.  Maybe it has something to do with unicorns.  I thought there might be a dreadlock option called “Wasted Maiden,” but no.

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How can it not be “ladylike?”  The hair’s riding sidesaddle.

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Kind of looks like an Afro to me.

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Not pictured: enough hair gel to deflect small arms fire.

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Not sure what the difference between the merc and the intellect one are. Maybe she’s an engineer for Blackwater.

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This one comes with a name and career change.  I’m assuming they’re trying to evoke Rosie the Riveter, but unless her hair has burnt ends (they’re like split ends, but worse) I’m not buying the welder thing.

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“Young at heart” being code for “f^cking psycho,” ’cause she looks like Starbuck from Battlestar Galactica, another famous feminist power fantasy.

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Sultry being French for “an alien being is living on your head.”  It’s like, there’s the regular hair, and then a yellow boa constrictor tried strangling it and fell asleep.  I cannot even imagine how she’d keep that look in power armor.

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“I just irradiated my hair, and I can’t do a thing with it.”

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Or, “repressed and lovin’ it.”  Definitely no questions about the shape of her skull.

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Now here’s sum classic 50’s fashion ripe for Wasteland-style subversion.  This is what I’m talking about!  Now we’re cooking with propane and propane accessories!

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No nonsense?!?  Do you know how hard it is to keep that little wave goin’ over the forehead?  Do none of you remember the 80’s?!?  No nonsense would be

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Although “crazy morning, bodies in the basement and house on fire” also works.

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It’s creepy and reminds me of the stuff I saw that time I watched Star Trek while I had a fever.  I like it.  Creepy serenity, like River Tam on bath salts.

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Nope.  There is only one haircut allowed for public defenders, but I can’t show you any pictures ’cause all the ones of Markie Post from Night Court are copyrighted.  Think big feathery 80s hair.  This is more “90s alt music singer.”

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You get the frazzled ends when you stop combing it because you’re too drunk on Manhattans and Prozac.  That’s what makes it sophisticated.

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Naturally curly hair.

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It’s … oh god … it’s like a mullet for girls!  The only fatale in this train wreck is her fashion sense.  I know Sean Young tried it in Blade Runner, but Sean Young also dressed as Catwoman for her audition.  That’s not the kind of thing you want to encourage.

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I like it, except for the graphics make it look like it’s growing back into her face.  I ran into the same problem when I first started modding – because heads, hands, hair, and bodies are all separate objects, I’d give Lydia a nice necklace and end up removing her neck.  Awkward having a floating head following you around, carrying your burdens.

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True elegance is defined as “getting your hair to not grow into your face anymore.”  Otherwise, she looks way too much like a girl I knew in high school, Dawn, who I always got paired with ’cause we had the same names, and ordered to do silly stuff like sing period songs in history class.  I think she’s married to a chiropractor now.

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This will be perfect, once I get sum bubblegum.  And a katana.  And a prom dress.  Girls.  In dresses.  With swords.  How is that not a thing yet?

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“Bodies in the basement, house on fire” – married version.

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This is what I finally went with – classic, a little psycho, goes just as well with a flamethrower as a hula hoop, does not appear to be eating her face.

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Not bad, but I’m not seeing the noir bit.  I think they’re reaching, now.

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She’s not apologizing for totally neglecting her bangs.  She’s more concerned with the guns going back, out in the Wasteland.  Or something.  I think marketing should apologize for these names.  It’s like naming shades of lipstick for moods – how the hell am I supposed to know what “Insousance” looks like?  I don’t care what attitude you’re trying to sell – I just wanna know what color the lipstick is!  Or I would if, you know, I wore lipstick.

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I looked, but they didn’t have a “scrupulous” one to compare it with.

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Looks like somebody has a case of the DTs.  Does this haircut come with a stuffed pink elephant?

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I was tempted, ’cause of the “nuclear” bit, but it looks hideous.  The little random wads of hair sticking up?  Ick.  You only get that through some serious sweating.  Ick.

And that’s it.  No beehives.  No Peggy Sue sunglasses.  No pink prom dresses.  No katanas.

But remember the fundamental lesson of Fallout – there’s always hope.  Diamond City still awaits.  Somewhere out there, hidden in some forgotten bunker, there’s a copy of La Coiffe with my haircut in it.

And if not, there’s a mod.

Also, I don’t think that’s the lesson of Fallout.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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