Fallout 4: Fashion Police

I’m slow sometimes.  Personally, I think it’s because no one ever tells me anything.  Apparently, I never get invited to the “how to people” meetings.  Maybe there’s a comic shop or something all the rest of you go to?  Was this supposed to be covered in preschool?  ‘Cause I missed preschool.  Anyway, it’s the charitable interpretation, that no one ever tells me about stuff.  Like that time in 1st grade where I learned that it didn’t end at noon like kindergarten did, which I discovered while waiting for the bus like a moron when everyone else was inside.

But enough about my childhood emotional traumas.  The point is, I found a copy of La Coiffe!  I’ve been on the lookout for one, because it was the only way I was gonna get a beehive hairdo.  Since this blog’s thing seems to be “hair” – which frankly is so absolutely bizarre I’m pretty sure I’m on peyote right now.  IRL, my involvement with hair is that I get a buzzcut every month, unless I forget or get too busy or the barber is closed because he’s out elk hunting.  Also, sometimes I shave my head.  But heck, we all have to stretch our boundaries, and apparently my horizon is a hairstylist.  And since a beehive ‘doo is inexplicably not one of the starting options (neither are mohawks) I was thinking I’d probably have to pick up a Cosmo or something out there in the Wasteland.

Which was a problem, because while I’d found a half dozen Taboo Tattoo rags, and some Hot Rodders, and a whole crapton of Special Ops mags … hmm … you know, it’s kind of a Rorschach Test for your character, isn’t it?  I tend to prefer crawling around abandoned military bases and breaking into high security areas, which is where I find all my reading material.  I suppose it’s not surprising that the 140th Boston Power Armor regiment doesn’t stock back copies of Vogue.  And, while I won’t spoil where I found this one, it wasn’t the Revere Satellite Array.  (I’ll put the location in a footnote so I don’t spoil it for the actual competent players.1)

So now I faced a new conundrum: now that I’ve unlocked my new hair, how am I supposed to know what it is?  There’s just a vague laundry list of hair cut names, most of which aren’t particularly informative, so how was I to know what the one was?

Well, here’s a hint:

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It’s called the Megaton.

Well – no one told me!  And copies of Picket Fences don’t show their new items on the cover.  (Neither did the Wasteland Workshop, which … ugh … that’s a whole other blog post.)

I headed down to Diamond City and plunked down 15 caps.

“Darling, make me look radiant.”

“Is that a pun?” he asked.

“No, I’m pretty sure the hair has to glow.”

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It’s not a beehive, but … you know what?  I like it.  It’s completely fcking insane, and you’d have to be wacked out of your brain on Nuka Cold and rancid stimpaks to even consider dragging that thing through the Wasteland, but then … that’s kinda the whole point.

But it wasn’t long before I realized that as awesome as it looked, not only was I playing a first person shooter, but I also needed to put a helmet on:

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’cause the first rule of fashion is, never suffer from head wounds after Labor Day.

It’s one of those times when I wish the game would allow for breaks from reality … I mean, beyond the “breaks from reality” that include super mutants and mirelurks.  I understand that I need armor, but that haircut freakin’ rocks, and I think it should come with some armor value so I don’t have to make these kinds of fashion decisions.  Damn you, style!

So I was feelin’ a little bummed out about my hair, and I decided, like many girls do when they’re feeling depressed, to go get a tattoo.  Well, and also I finally figured out that you could get them from a facial surgeon.  I’m slow sometimes.

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Huh.  It’s nice and all, and one that totally works for a rockabilly princess, but right on the forehead?  That’s not a tattoo, that’s a cattle brand.

Ok, never mind.  Hey, what’s this?  Face paint?  Hmm  … could be interesting.

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Oh.  Hell.  No.

I know we’re trying to bring back that 50’s motif, but …no.

Let’s try this again:

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I thought about adding the tattoo with this, but in the end, I wasn’t playing Arkham Asylum.

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Groucho Marx got nuthin’ on me!  Note to game designers: subtlety, guys.  Makeup shouldn’t be applied with anything you can buy at Home Depot.  How am I even writing these words?!?  Good thing I don’t live in North Carolina, or I wouldn’t be able to pee.

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Ummm … okay.  Kind of ironic, considering we’re in Diamond City.  Also, I’m a girl!

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How the hell is this lightning?!?  Personally, I’d go more for “Kabuki Actress Who Desperately Needs to Sneeze.”

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Just in time for the “Edward Scissorhands” mod.

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Why?!?  Just .. why?!?  

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It’s only “tribal” if you’re a zebra.

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We’re really working the Goth thing, aren’t we?  Are there that many gamers who hang out at Hot Topic.  I mean, it’s better than the “told her twice” black eyeshadow, but walking around with makeup that looks like a fatal injury just seems like tempting fate.

Hmm … maybe it’s because I selected black makeup.  I’m blonde; I’ve got to work with color to bring out my best features.  Let’s try red:

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Sigh.

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Good thing I’m gonna kill that guy later in the game.

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s in Malden Center. Where I don’t recall. I did mention the “incompetent” thing, right?

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