You may argue that this post contains a slight bias against Microsoft, to which I say: ah so you’ve used Windows, then1.
My machine’s been running slow; of course, everyone’s machine runs slow, because the nanosecond you get it, all bright and shiny and with nothing installed (especially those terabytes worth of naughty cat gifs you had on the old one) that becomes your new normal, and everything after is all downhill.
But slower than that – freeyztime slow. Black screen and whirring fan slow. Get impatient and close the programs and they won’t even close in a timely manner slow.
You know, needs an update slow.
I have to admit, since this is the first actual new computer I’ve ever owned, that I am not familiar with how updates go. I’d update my computer at work, but usually only out of desperate hope that it was crashing due to some esoteric file patch like borkfixer.exe and not whatever it was I’d just downloaded2.
But still, it seems more logical – civilized even – to maybe pop up a message telling you an update was ready rather than you finding out after spending an hour crying on the floor, catatonic with rage?
I inchwormed the mouse over to the search bar and typed in “Check for Updates”3 then ignored the roughly 23 other apps that Windows helpfully decided might take priority rather than updates to the operating system itself.
There it was – it was called “Absolutely Critical Update So Windows Doesn’t Launch Nuclear Missiles Against North Korea But We Aren’t Gonna Tell You About It.”
After correctly answering the security question4 I proceeded to install the update.
Sorry, just a little IT humor, there.6
No, seriously, it told me there was an error, which I might have believed if this had been the first time the computer ran slow when there was an update available, rather that it being how I know an update is available.
Which of course begs the question: if the system was working fine before an update existed, how come it stops working until the update is installed? I can only assume Microsoft has been taking lessons from the Mafia:
But other than that, the update went fine, and I’m hoping it finishes sometime before Christmas.
Okay, it only took 2 hours.7 And then another half hour of hidden system reconfigs. And another hour of reinstalling all the programs Windows helpfully uninstalled. Also, it broke my keyboard. At least, I kind of hope my keyboard’s broken, because a 10 minute wait for it to register letters seems kind of … ah, I see …
Checking for updates…
- Actually, I’m pro-Microsoft, mainly because I once worked at Apple. That’s a longer, sadder blog post, and one that probably has to stay classified until the end of time.
- It was rarely borkfixer.
- Because XP’s intuitive menu GUI was just so unpopular.
- “Would you like to play a game of chess?”5
- Correct answer: no.
- This joke intentionally left blank.
- No, seriously, that wasn’t a joke.